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A Moment of Silence
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"Come, follow me ..."
*Gospel of Mark 1.7 et al. (AV)
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I read these words in Henri Nouwen's Clowning in Rome: "We can only follow our desire and give it attention and discipline." What arose to mind was: "Practice is not a destination... it is a following of our deepest desire ...".
Following is here. Movement happens now. We grow in the same space, the only place. We live with this paradox: I follow, yet there is nowhere to go.
Still, we live into this. We must live thinking we are going somewhere. Then, follow takes on a different meaning for us. We each discover what that is for ourselves. Desire and discipline relax.
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Alex Mill, a Zen Buddhist, in The Will to Love, shares that at a precept ceremony at the monastery where he lived, newly precepted monks were given a rosary - Buddhists often call this a mala. One such occasion, a monk waited for the teacher to place it around his neck. She did not, telling him he had to do that for himself.
Mill recognized this as a wisdom lesson. We must do the work ourselves. Others can guide and inspire us, but no one walks the Way for us.
Enlightened living is like getting out of bed in the morning. Some mornings everything in me says, "I don't want to! I want to sleep longer." I cannot logically pick up my phone and call someone, saying, "Hey! Come over here and get out of bed for me." On those mornings, willingness might be all that inspires me to get out of bed.
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The root idea in "will" is from the German and Gothic "to will, wish, desire; choose." While some teachers speak ill of desire, desire is critical. From desire, we choose. The spiritual walk begins with a wish, like thirst forms a desire to drink. And thirst is a natural, biological signal of a need. As in our spiritual walk, the power of that desire diminishes as we provide the body with fluids.
Desire, in time, becomes subtle. At last, it might cease. That is, we no longer desire anything spiritually while still engaging in spiritual self-care to grow more in-depth with the Light.
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What happens when the excitement of the path is gone? We might feel enthusiasm when adopting a spiritual way. It is new. Our attention and affections are captive. Our adoption of a new way might be the little self finding a new hiding place, one spiritual, a fresh guise of self-protection and self-promotion. What happens when the new wears off? When the egoic fascination wanes? Will can lag.
The following story in A Still Forest Pool," (Comp. Jack Kornfield, Paul Brieiter) speaks to this nascent lure and how the ego can get trapped by it.
When Achaan Chah [Theravada Buddhist, Thailand, 1918-92] arrived at a new American meditation center, the many Western students there were quickly charmed and impressed by his teaching. ... It was exciting to have such a skillful and famous master visit. The new stories, golden-robed monks, and fresh expressions of Dharma [Buddhist teaching] were all wonderful. "Please do not go as soon as you planned, do try to stay a long time," the students requested. "We are so happy to have you."
Achaan Chah smiled. "Of course, things are nice when they are new. But if I stay and teach and make you work, you will get tired of me, won't you? How is your practice when the excitement wears off? You would be bored with me before long. How does this restless, wanting mind stop? Who can teach you that? There only can you learn the real Dharma."
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Fascination and excitement cannot sustain us in the Way. Early, they help us. Later, they become a hindrance. Like - our infatuation with someone may lead us into a romantic relationship, but that egoic fixation has to drop, or the relationship will not survive, or it will only be an appearance of what essentially is not.
The Way, when walked, soon challenges our treating a path as just another 'fix.' The Way is not another 'high' among highs. For example, early in meditation, we discover we cannot hide.
Possibly, this is a reason many people want to meditate by doing a meditation - rather than just being still and quiet. The little self can conceal its true intent - to protect its illusory guise - as long as it is busy doing - whatever, anything. The little self will welcome becoming a VIP guru, master meditator, lauded a holy saint, or mastermind and clerical CEO of a mega church. Whatever... the little i must keep doing - otherwise, it might see it is only a fiction.
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Willingness is not willfulness. The egoic will, disordered and misdirected, cannot sustain willingness. Egoic self-inflation is the nature of the little me - self caught in egocentricity: self entrapped in itself even when acting in good toward others.
Being full-of-will blocks the natural flow of being. Tempering desire is sometimes part of learning to trust the Way rather than trying to push or pull ourselves along the Way. The True Self follows patiently, trustingly.
The True Self is not full of itself. It is fullness itself. Hence, acting from the True Self, we act from wholeness, not needing to behave willfully.
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So, when Jesus said to his first students, "Follow me," he meant "follow." Follow is not rushing along the Way or hurrying to be out front. There is no compulsion or competition. There is nothing to prove, not even to God. We relax and walk, and that is enough for us.
There is such freedom in having nothing to prove - to anyone! The Sun shines, not needing to verify its worth. The sunshine witnesses of the Sun. Our lives lived without needing to convince anyone of our worth is the Light displaying its pristine luminosity.
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Following is being humble. Humility allows us to relax our will. We can, then, fully be where and how we are in this moment, welcoming life to unfold naturally. And life unfolding includes us, for life is not separate from us. We are life. We grow together with all life forms. Nothing, including you, is an appendage.
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*©Brian K. Wilcox, 2023.
*Use of photography is allowed accompanied by credit given to Brian K. Wilcox and title and place of photograph.
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse.
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